Is this a parody or real life? You decide.
Citizens of New Milford:
I want you to know that I'm on the job 24/7. Twenty four hours a week, seven months a year. But even with this strict time commitment, I can't be expected to keep up with everything going on in this vast metropolis. That's why I like this job - I've got plenty of other folks to do the work.
Not that I seek to blame everyone else for my problems, but everyone seems to be conspiring to keep important topics hidden from my highly skeptical spectacles. Even the Town Clerk couldn't seem to get me a copy of the new teacher's contract, cuz he knows I want to tear them teachers up for their greedy, self-serving ways. I know it's a good 30 paces from his office to mine, so that old buzzard would have to send one of his four staffers all the way down here. But, heck, how else am I supposed to know about these things?
How was I supposed to know New Milford's teachers took a Zero % increase next year? And they agreed to pay more for health insurance, too. Who would have ever thought the teachers and the Board of Education would ever take me and Roger Szendy seriously?
Do you think I - or one of my 40+ staffers - have time to read about this in the News-Times, Spectrum, or Housatonic Times? That's just plain crazy - we've got other things to do. Why, just the other day I had to count votes for Linda McMahon, and drive Clark around to some meeting at a funeral home. Who's got time to read?!
I'm a momma black bear (no grizzlies in these parts). I'll guard my cubs with my life, and you, the citizens of New Milford, are my cubs. You've got to trust that I'm doing all the right things, even if I don't really pay much attention to them. A momma black bear would never deliberately hide money for raises in the budget, or hire kin-folk on the public payroll. Now, she might ask someone else to do those things, but you must trust that I'm doing good by you.
And don't ask no stupid questions, ya hear? Luv Ya!